Suffering for Support
Why do we feel that a certain level of suffering is required before we ask for what we want? Many of us feel that the suffering has to be enormous before we ask for assistance or say no to another ‘to do’.
It’s as if we feel that we are not worthy of assistance until our suffering is so great that we can no longer bear it alone. And so many of us think suffering is noble! The more we suffer, the greater our good nature and contribution to the world. Well, I for one am done with this old and outdated perspective.
It shows up in how ‘sick’ we need to be before we ask our partner for help or call out from work/ school. It shows up in the stories of elders telling their grandchildren how they had to walk 15 miles a day to school uphill both ways in the snow! It shows up in how we go the extra mile, even when we are not rewarded for it. We think it makes us the ‘better person’ when we do this. The reality is, we simply add to our suffering. Nothing more.
What if we didn’t have to suffer for the support we desire? What if we could address something the moment it stuck out as ‘other’ than what we want in our experience? What if there was a different option? For example, a person feels that they have to pick up 25 bags of bagged dog poop, videotape the local offender, and show up at their house threatening to post it on Facebook. What if they didn’t have to suffer so much along the way? This person’s suffering had to be very high before they felt they had a right to ask for what they wanted. What if this person decided to address their concern the first time, not the 26th? How much less suffering would they have experienced?
I have recently found myself doing this where I feel that I have little choice or power. My local cable company has not been able to send a consistent signal to my house for months. Calls drop, Zooms are interrupted, and my live streaming is interrupted several times each hour. After 3 unsuccessful technical support visits and three different sets of directions from customer service agents, I was frustrated. THAT was the time to act. So, what was it that had me wait until the 10th time before I started to share my high level of suffering? There are no other high-speed internet options where I live, and I felt that my concern/need/desire didn’t matter to this company. My past experiences have taught me that those in authority wouldn’t support me if they didn’t have to. So, I don’t expect them to this time either. And THAT is how I kept creating the same experience for myself, over and over in this situation. I’m ready to break that pattern in this instance and others – how about you?
Many of us were taught that it isn’t OK to ask for what we want or say no to what we don’t want. How do you use suffering to get the support you need? If there is something you want, how much suffering do you feel is necessary to get, have, and enjoy what you want? Do you feel you have to suffer with some people but not with others? For instance, can you just tell your partner you are going out with your friends to relax for the night, or do you have to work overtime 5 nights in a row to earn ‘permission’? If there is something you don’t want, how much suffering do you feel is necessary to say no to it? Does your schedule have to already have back-to-back meetings to say no to just one more? How bad does it have to get for you to be supported in what you want or don’t want?
What if we simply speak up/recognize/address what we want or don’t want when it is happening? When I ask for no onions on my meal at the diner, I don’t have to justify why I want this to the waiter. I just do. If they cannot or don’t want to accommodate my request, I go elsewhere or change my order. It’s up to me to support what I want and don’t want with as little suffering as possible.
How can you support yourself without suffering today?